Paragon

Dear teh Worlds,

I, Scott Ogden, would like everyone to know that the greatest human act ever was accomplished today at about 7:00 pm Japan Local Standard Time. I was really thirsty because it's been years since I've had anything to drink besides water. But it's Sunday, so I was pretty limited in my choices. Then the single most amazing thought ever to come to anyone anywhere came to me there. I had a terrible habit of letting milk go sour. I haven't really been using milk too much and before I knew it, they'd go bad on me. But somehow, when I looked at my milk today I found that it was still in season. Even though it's been forever since I bought it. I'm pretty sure I also found the longest drinkable milk ever. Karma's a beautiful lady and totally not a female dog, ain't she? The milk was really low fat and thus the cheapest (a couple yen more than the bottle water), but I had a way to fix that! I spooned in a large amount of cocoa straight into the carton. Then I added a little bit of hot water to dissolve it and, BHAM, Scott Ogden is in some real business here. I made a whole carton of chocolate milk! From SCRATCH!!!! It was a triumph for all humanity. I don't have to make each individual cup of chocolate milk, now. I just pour straight from the carton of recently-extremely-lame-tasting-and-tasting-milk! It's a Christmas in July Miracle! Oh my gosh... how have I not been listening to that song for the past 17 days? Well, folks, I gotta go catch up on my Sufjan Christmasses in July. Just rest assured that nothing you ever do will be as good as what I did today. I reached the epitome of human thought, ingenuity, beauty, art, and strength. You can't climb higher than I did today because... there's just nothing there. There is literally nothing better than this chocolate milk incident. So, thank you, and please, my friends, have a very very goodnight.

Scott Ogden

Kwisatz Haderach

Mom wants all of these

So, my mom is all like "Scottie, you need to write down all the cute things that the kids do." And I'm all like, "Fine." But not much happened, just subtle endearment. Then yesterday something legit happened. I had just finished the day of classes at a school and was riding my bike home. I came to a train crossing and stopped because a train was coming. There were two of the school's students on the other side of the tracks waiting to cross to my side. I said hello and watched the oncoming train. I looked back at them a couple seconds before the train came and one of them was whispering something to the other. Not like I could overhear them, with the train fast approaching. I thought to myself about trying to pretend like the train hit me as it passed, to make them laugh when it had gone, but I couldn't quite figure out how to do it by the time the train had come and gone. As the train passed by us and I could see the two boys again, I found them lying on the ground, heads lolling and limbs twitching as if they'd just been run over. I burst out laughing. They stood up and laughed, giving each other high fives. I laughed myself to sleep last night.