Paragon

Dear teh Worlds,

I, Scott Ogden, would like everyone to know that the greatest human act ever was accomplished today at about 7:00 pm Japan Local Standard Time. I was really thirsty because it's been years since I've had anything to drink besides water. But it's Sunday, so I was pretty limited in my choices. Then the single most amazing thought ever to come to anyone anywhere came to me there. I had a terrible habit of letting milk go sour. I haven't really been using milk too much and before I knew it, they'd go bad on me. But somehow, when I looked at my milk today I found that it was still in season. Even though it's been forever since I bought it. I'm pretty sure I also found the longest drinkable milk ever. Karma's a beautiful lady and totally not a female dog, ain't she? The milk was really low fat and thus the cheapest (a couple yen more than the bottle water), but I had a way to fix that! I spooned in a large amount of cocoa straight into the carton. Then I added a little bit of hot water to dissolve it and, BHAM, Scott Ogden is in some real business here. I made a whole carton of chocolate milk! From SCRATCH!!!! It was a triumph for all humanity. I don't have to make each individual cup of chocolate milk, now. I just pour straight from the carton of recently-extremely-lame-tasting-and-tasting-milk! It's a Christmas in July Miracle! Oh my gosh... how have I not been listening to that song for the past 17 days? Well, folks, I gotta go catch up on my Sufjan Christmasses in July. Just rest assured that nothing you ever do will be as good as what I did today. I reached the epitome of human thought, ingenuity, beauty, art, and strength. You can't climb higher than I did today because... there's just nothing there. There is literally nothing better than this chocolate milk incident. So, thank you, and please, my friends, have a very very goodnight.

Scott Ogden

Kwisatz Haderach